Yellow Stars and Ice
by Susan Stewart
I am as far as the deepest sky between clouds
and you are as far as the deepest root and wound,
and I am as far as a train at evening,
as far as a whistle you can't hear or remember.
You are as far as an unimagined animal
who, frightened by everything, never appears.
I am as far as cicadas and locusts
and you are as far as the cleanest arrow
that has sewn the wind to the light on
the birch trees. I am as far as the sleep of rivers
that stains the deepest sky between clouds,
you are as far as invention, and I am as far as memory.
You are as far as a red-marbled stream
where children cut their feet on the stones
and cry out. And I am as far as their happy
mothers, bleaching new linen on the grass
and singing, "You are as far as another life,
as far as another life are you."
And I am as far as an infinite alphabet
made from yellow stars and ice,
and you are as far as the nails of the dead man,
as far as a sailor can see at midnight
when he's drunk and the moon is an empty cup,
and I am as far as invention and you are as far as memory.
I am as far as the corners of a room where no one
has ever spoken, as far as the four lost corners
of the earth. And you are as far as the voices
of the dumb, as the broken limbs of saints
and soldiers, as the scarlet wing of the suicidal
blackbird, I am farther and farther away from you.
And you are as far as a horse without a rider
can run in six years, two months and five days.
I am as far as that rider, who rubs his eyes with
his blistered hands, who watches a ghost don his
jacket and boots and now stands naked in the road.
As far as the space between word and word,
as the heavy sleep of the perfectly loved
and the sirens of wars no one living can remember,
as far as this room, where no words have been spoken,
you are as far as invention, and I am as far as memory.
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1. What was your biggest accomplishment this year?
Not killing myself in the early fall when things were completely falling apart. Not committing an act of violence against the person who made my life and that of my family hell, and who is still trying to do so. Sometimes going an entire 24 hours without thinking about how much I hate her and what she's doing to us -- especially to our kids.
Also, in a few short months I have made some really wonderful friends. I just want to note how much I love LJ and how grateful I am to so many of you.
2. What was your biggest disappointment?
Discovering 1) just how low some people will sink in their search for self-validation and self-justification, and 2) just how violent I am capable of becoming, or at least thinking about becoming, when someone threatens my home and kids. I am NOT a nice person. Now I know that conclusively.
3. Will you be making any New Year's resolutions?
I'm not going to bother with specifics like losing weight or learning yoga because I just end up beating myself up over those. I would like to find ways to channel my energies next year that will be productive -- if exercise and yoga seem to be working, great, and if they don't, then I want to catch on to that quickly and try something else. I do not want to get into the sort of rut that I was in through much of August and September of this year.
4. Where will you be at midnight? Do you wish you could be somewhere else?
At home with my husband and (hopefully sleeping) kids watching Dick Clark. Which is fine. I wish I could have friends over, but most of them are either living too far away, out of town, or at home with their own families. My computer will be on, so hopefully I will be in cyberspace, too, waving to the people who matter to me here.
5. Aside from (possibly) staying up late, do you have any other New Year's traditions?
My one shot of amaretto for the year.
This site, linking one's astrological sign to one's Hogwarts House, is amusing if not accurate in my case (I'm definitely a Sagittarius, and usually sorted into Ravenclaw).
This site has a couple of Return of the King pictures!
Rings Things: Heck no I didn't avoid TTT spoilers. I sought them out in every nook and cranny. Will do the same for the ext-DVD and ROTK. Got any? Please send.
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