Starring the Terps as the Riders of Rohan

The Washington Post sports writers have had a nervous breakdown!

Calling it 'The Return of the King' hardly overstates Joe Gibbs's amazing reappearance in the burgundy and gold. Although when Tolkien's king returned, there was a powerful wizard on hand. Hear that, Gilbert Arenas?! We didn't see Gandalf limp away from the gates of Mordor with a "strained abdomen." Anyway, if Gibbs is Aragorn, then let's see what parts we can find for these other newsmakers:

King Theoden, Tom Coughlin: New Giants coach promises to bring about a "restoration of pride, self pride, team pride." A worried Jeremy Shockey was heard asking, "He didn't say anything about gay pride, did he?"

Riders of Rohan, Maryland football team: Agrees to be outfitted in Under Armour gear. But company still years away from producing a material that can wick the sweat off of Gary Williams.

Wormtongue, Elecia Battle: Two days after saying she "lost" her winning lottery ticket, Ohio woman retracts story. Let's see, that only took her about 5,110 fewer days than Pete Rose.

Arwen, Michelle Kwan: In the world of axels and toe loops, her skating is top rank, as opposed to Tonya Harding, whose rating is "top skank."

Merry, Ashton Kutcher: After demise of "Punk'd," will return to MTV with hidden camera program, a genre reinvigorated nicely by Paris Hilton.

Legolas, Brian Boucher: Coyotes goalie just posted epic scoreless streak. We haven't seen such impressive work between the pipes since Darryl Strawberry was in his prime.

Denethor, Bill Callahan: Last seen leading defending AFC champion to mutinous 4-12 season, he's given the Nebraska job, a deal apparently orchestrated by the dumbest athletic department in America.

Gollum, A.J. McLean: Helps nab man who stole expensive ring from jewelry store. McLean must be particularly sensitive to such crimes, since he lost his own jewels when he joined the Backstreet Boys.

Council of Elrond, D.C. City Council: Passes bill banning District drivers from talking on cell phones. Council members called the devices a distraction, a claim disputed by wireless service providers, phone manufacturers and Steve Spurrier.

Faramir, Jim Mora Jr.: New Falcons head coach only 42 but has received a lifetime of training from his father, who found out early that his son can do diddly-poo.

Benched: B2K, Mo Vaughn, Free Willy, Neverland, Charlize Theron's babe-aliciousness, Vlad Guerrero's homelessness.

The Starting Lineup
By Dan Steinberg and Desmond Bieler
The Washington Post
Sunday, January 11, 2004; Page D2

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