... *sigh*

Dear Cats,

There is no cat food in the bathroom with me. Nor am I secretly eating Pounce treats in here. I don't have a hairbrush out at the moment for you to knock on the floor and chase around until it's in a proper position to be pounced upon. The toilet seat lid is shut, so you can't try to drink out of it; the shower is not running, so the room is not particularly nice and warm. Nor is the sink turned on, so you cannot stick your faces in it, get them wet, then spend the next hour licking yourselves and glaring at me as if this is somehow my fault.

I can assure you, as I have shown you many times previously, that there is no secret back exit from the house through the bathtub nor through the vanity under the sink. I am not clipping my toenails and making those enticing clicking noises with the clippers. I am not conditioning my hair with mayonnaise or anything that should smell terribly interesting. Absolutely nothing exciting is going on in the bathroom -- I simply would like some privacy to do my business, and I know from experience that if the two of you try hard enough, you can push the door open because the latch doesn't work very well.

It isn't dinnertime. You were already fed earlier. You have water. The boys are not chasing you. The dog is not visiting. There are no treasures in the bathroom trash can. There is no reason whatsoever for you both to be yowling and scratching at the door. Thank you very much for your attention to this matter, and go chase each other downstairs or something.