I Am The Best: A Prose Poem By Donald J. Trump
By Nick Baumann
Editor’s note: Donald Trump regularly incites political violence and is a serial liar, rampant xenophobe, racist, misogynist and birther who has repeatedly pledged to ban all Muslims — 1.6 billion members of an entire religion — from entering the U.S.
I am the most successful person ever to run for president.
Nobody's ever been more successful than me. I have the best words.
I am the most fabulous whiner.
I am the best builder.
Nobody builds walls better than me.
I build the best product.
Nobody can build a wall like Trump.
I've always had people say, "Donald, you have the most beautiful hands."
I have the steadiest hands.
I have a very good brain.
Somebody made the statement that Donald Trump has built or owns the greatest collection of golf courses, ever, in the history of golf. And I believe that is 100 percent true.
I have the best courses in the world.
I went to one of the best schools.
On trade, there's nobody more conservative than me. I'm the most conservative when it comes to military, when it comes to the border, when it comes to security, when it comes to illegal immigration: all of these things. I think I'm the most conservative person there is.
I am the only one who can fix our southern border.
There is nobody more against Obamacare than me.
I could fix TV talk shows that are doing poorly. There is tremendous talent out there waiting to be tapped, and nobody sees it!
I am the worst thing that ever happened to ISIS.
I will be the greatest jobs president God ever created.
Nobody knows jobs like I do.
I will create jobs like no one else.
Nobody has more respect for women than I do.
No one has done more for people with disabilities than me.
I will help the veterans like no one else.
No one has done so much for equality as I have.
I am the only one who can beat Hillary Clinton.
I am Hillary Clinton's worst nightmare.
Nobody understands politicians like I do.
I am more presidential than anybody, other than the great Abe Lincoln.
Nobody is more pro-Israel than I am.
Nobody but Donald Trump will save Israel.
I have studied this issue in great detail -- I would say actually greater by far than anybody else.
I am the most militaristic person on that stage.
I have proven to be far more correct about terrorism than anybody. It's not even close.
My primary consultant is myself.
I am the least racist person you will ever meet.
Nobody reads the Bible more than me.
I am very modest.
I am the most humble celebrity.
I'm treated very unfairly.
I am the only one who can make America truly great again.
I am the worst thing that ever happened to the establishment.
I am the best to win the general election.
Whether you're laughing or crying, don't blame me. But if you're planning to vote for him, you are everything that's wrong with the U.S.
We spent Wednesday assuming that on Thursday we might be going to Hanover to help move Paul's father out of the rehab place he's been at except when hospitalized since he broke his hip, but his roommate has some kind of infection, so they aren't releasing him until they test him for the same infection, which will take at least another day, possibly longer if he does in fact have it. So I made sure most of my work was done by Wednesday evening, though the chores are lagging and I'm behind on correspondence and stuff, which I guess I will be trying to catch up tomorrow.
Apart from work, it was mostly an uneventful day. We had some drizzle and it was on the chilly side for May, which made it the perfect day for walking in the woods; neither the squirrels nor the bunnies appeared mind the wet grass. Since it was May the Fourth (be with you), Paul made Poe-boys (with Finn-landia cheese and Rey-moulade sauce) for lunch and Boba Fettucini with Wookie cookies for dinner. We watched Arrow only to realize we'd missed a week, then watched Nashville where some people were grownups for a change! Look, animals from Mount Vernon last Sunday: